An Update

Many of you have reached out as to how I am doing. As I write this I sit in my office, literally in tears as I begin a new day. I wonder if my co-workers notice the fall in my countenance over the last few months. As they have learned of my separation and pending divorce; one by one they have expressed their utter shock that my seemingly ideal little Mormon family has become a casualty. On the shelf in my office is a double picture frame. One photo is of my wife and me; the other of our three beautiful children, ages 11 to 18. I can’t bring myself to take it down or replace the picture of my wife and I.

I suppose I’m not ready to accept the reality of what has transpired these past months.

About a year I was counseling with my Bishop and making great progress. I had finally conquered the vices or P and M in my life with more than a year free of P and stretches of 2 to 3 months free of M; with only minor incidents to report. I was attending the temple and feeling worthy to be there. The Bishop encouraged me to focus on the family, find a common hobby to pursue with my wife, to immerse myself in the scriptures and to step up my temple attendance. I wanted to follow that advice. I made an effort to do so. I wish I had done more.

I was so drawn to and emotionally attached to other men in my life. I was attending support groups and went off to the mountains for weekend retreats. I was in a weekly support group with a wonderful group of active LDS men who loved and supported me. All seemed to be put in place, yet I just couldn’t seem to leave those emotional needs on the shelf. My need for male connection and affection seemed to be growing. I believe now that my same sex attraction and my sexual addiction shifted from private indiscretions to relationships. I became intensely addicted to conversations, by phone and in person and to physical touch, holding and cuddling. The touch filled deep needs that I had felt all my life. I had barely touched or been touched by my own father and physical touch from another man was gratifying and moving beyond belief. Personal encounters; lunches, meetings, groups, phone calls, blogs and emails became an obsession and pulled me away from the wife and family that I had always loved. Slowly the ideal, beautiful, little family in the picture faded into the distance and became something I just took for granted and believed I would always have. I robbed my family of me and my time.

Ultimately I fell into a physical relationship with another man that became so comfortable and so satisfying that I went too far; crossing boundaries I had sworn to hold. We just became fast friends and wanted more and more to be together. The details are too personal to share.

I felt it would be temporary and private and that it would not need to be disclosed. I felt that even if it were to come to light that she would forgive. I felt there was enough strength in the relationship to shoulder the blow and that she would understand and be able to rise above it with me. I felt that it would be a justifiable transgression, a process of growth that would move me out of the past and free me from the bonds of SSA. I felt that satisfying and understanding years of cravings; giving them expression; would be therapeutic and healing. I was wrong.

My venturing has cost me a great deal. My children are so hurt and so angry they won’t see me at all this month. My contact with them has been infrequent and strained. My youngest hasn’t seen me since the day we separated. I lived with a kind and generous friend for three months and now have my own apartment. I live alone. My greatest pain is that I can no longer serve them as I’d like.

I’ll be served any day with divorce papers. I am facing bankruptcy. Twenty years of building and stability is now a wrecked ship. Who can I blame but myself? I still have my employment. Thank goodness for what is left.

No woman deserves what I have done to her. No child or spouse deserves the pain of betrayal, separation and divorce from a father and husband they trusted and adored. No man deserves the agony of separation from his loving family. There is good and error in all of us. Life’s trials, consequences and punishments seem to me to come in doses that far outweigh the magnitude of the underlying offense. It seems that we humans are far less tolerant, forgiving and understanding than the God who gave us life. I feel his love, forgiveness and his understanding, but my companions in this life are far less able to extend that sort of unconditional love. I am left to suffer the rejection of my own flesh and blood; being cast aside by those who stood by me my entire life, until now. I begged and pleaded for forgiveness and reconciliation and it was unanimously and resolutely denied. The offense was intolerable.

I don’t blame them. They don’t deserve the card I dealt them. What I did was selfish and wrong.

On this past Sunday I arrived late at church, sat on the back row and left early to avoid conversation. I was checking out my new ward and Bishop. There was a good spirit there which I needed. I enjoyed the testimonies. I was buoyed by the spirit that I felt. I am an excommunicated Mormon. I still consider myself to be a Mormon, but so far as the church is concerned, I am a non-member; a gentile. I have no church record. Twenty years of striving and practicing my religion have vaporized.

My identity has vanished. I don’t know who I am. I have a royal heritage. The blood of the prophet Joseph flows in my veins. I have loved the church and my family heritage and tradition all my life, but there is no reconciliation, it seems, and no harmony between who and what I am and my faith. My attraction to men, my ability and need to love another man; what seems to be my very nature and need is incompatible with the life I lived, faithfully, for over twenty years. So, I live on the outside. For now at least, I don’t know how to reconcile the two.

John Churton Collins said:
“In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends.”

I have been and continue to be sustained by a select group of wonderful friends and family who continue to love me for who I truly am and do not reject me for who and what I am not. Those relationships are more precious and more deeply personally satisfying than ever before. I feel very deeply the pain of having been cast out and rejected by those who should, it seems, be the most understanding. For them it seems that no price is great enough to repay the debt. The greatest irony is that the worst judgment, the greatest drama and the harshest of criticism seems to come from a few who also suffer the burden of same gender attraction. Yet, in others I find the most loving and refreshing acceptance and a generous outpouring of love and support.

I am truly amazed at the pain that families inflict on their own “dearly loved”. Years and mounds of bonding and love can be forever severed by one new revelation. Judgment is a difficult beast to manage. Christ and his atonement are truly the lifeblood of our existence. We mere mortals are truly unable and incapable to manage and save ourselves. Were it not for His unconditional and permeating love which heals all; we would truly be lost souls.

Grief

This may be my last post for some time. My life has been struck by crisis. I had an interview with my Stake President last night where I confessed my five month affair with another man.

Last October my fantasy of taking a boyfriend became reality. I crossed boundaries and progressively lost my way and my sanity. It started slow and ended in destruction. I've lived a lie. I've lived a double life. I betrayed my wife and my family. I betrayed my faith and myself. I've been burdened with anxiety and guilt for months. At least now I am honest, but I am miserable and very, very alone. Surrounded by friends, yet still uterly alone. No one can ease the burden and the pain of losing your family and being separated from a wife of 20 years and the children you adore. The ache never ends and every day begins with the agonizing awareness of what was lost.

To quote one dear, humble soul who understood and expressed it the best: "It's just so sad. You had it all, everything a man could want, a beautiful wife, beautiful children, a nice home, a happy life and you gave it all away. Why?"

I ask myself every day. Why? Why wasn't I satisfied? Why wasn't it enough? Why was I so obsessed with men? Why did I have to cross the boundaries? Why did I hurt them so badly? Why did I become so self centered? Why didn't I listen to my Bishop? Why didn't I focus on my wife and family? Why did I go to such extremes to find male companionship? Why was I so disconnected with the world of men? Why did I crave validation so deeply? Why didn't the church and quorum meet my needs? Why couldn't I see how far I had strayed? Why did I cross reasonable boundaries? Why did I hurt my wife and family like this? Why couldn't I see the insanity of what I was doing? Why didn't I listen to my dear friends? Why didn't I end it sooner? Why did I tell her everything?

It doesn't matter why now. It just matters where I go from here. It doesn't matter what happened in the past. I can't change that. I can only move forward, pick up the pieces and try to fix what I can. All that matters now is what I do from here forward.

It doesn't matter why I have SSA. It doesn't matter anymore if I'm out or in. What matters is if I have love in my life or not. It matters if my kids respect me and trust me. It matters if I'm right with God. It matters if how I live my life is honorable. It matters if I have integrity. It matters if I live an honest life. It matters how I spend my time. It matters if I'm worthy, kind, thoughtful, giving, sincere, humble and good. It matters if those in my care are happy and cared for. It matters if I like who I see in the mirror.

Jacob had it right. The hearts and feelings of wives and children are exceedingly tender and chaste and delicate and pleasing before God...sin places daggers in their souls and wounds their delicate minds...I've broken the hearts of my wife and children and lost their confidence because of my bad example before them and the sobbings of their hearts ascend up to God against me. Their hearts died, pierced with deep wounds...I have grieved their hearts.

Perhaps in time if I purify my heart and look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, He will console me in my afflictions, and plead my cause and send down justice.

I'm not sure what cause I thought I was fighting for, but it doesn't matter now. I hope to follow the counsel of Mosiah and my Stake President to put of the natural man and become a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord and to become as child; submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love and willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon me.

Brothers, don't take your families and children for granted. Don't lose sight of your blessings. I lost my sanity in pursuit of my own selfish interests and in the process I completely lost awareness of the tremendous blessings that I had right in my own hands. I've lost it all and it will be a long, long way back. Don't get caught up in putting out brush fires while your temple burns to the ground. Before you run off on a crusade, take stock of the blessings that lie at your feet.

Does it really matter so damn much why we are burdened with this struggle? Does it really matter if everyone understands our affliction or does it perhaps matter more how we carry it? Perhaps if we accept our affliction with humility it can lead us to understand and empathize with others and the burdens that they carry. Perhaps it can turn us outward in service instead of inward in self obsession.

Stake Priesthood Meeting

Last evening was our Stake Priesthood Meeting. I've missed the last couple. It was time I gathered up my son and attended. He protested having to get his suit and tie back on, but went with me anyway in good spirits.

We have a new Stake President. I've been a bit shaken by the change in my Bishopric and the Stake (both changed at the same time) and I have watched the changes with interest. My wife has felt the loss of not being able to counsel with the Bishop and has not been eager to "break in" the new Bishop to our issues.

As the Stake President rose last night to address the Stake Priesthood Brethren for the first time I literally saw and felt the mantel of his calling come upon him. I was so comforted as the spirit witnessed to me that he is indeed the choice of the Lord for this position at this time.

I live in a wonderful, active and exemplary Stake. The programs and opportunities for especially the youth are superb. It has been a wonderful place to raise our children. When I sit in meetings with these great men I feel humbled by their power. It is a wonderful place to live and they are good, no great, men. It was a large group of wonderfully successful men, fathers and leaders. It humbles me to be with them. It makes me want to be better. I know they too struggle, but I've been blessed to live here.

In his opening comments the Stake President was humble and modest. He stated his humility in his new calling. He admitted that many others could perhaps do his job better. He voiced his dependency upon the Lord and then he bore a humble and sweet witness of the Savior. I was touched to tears. I wept as he expressed his love of the Savior and the beauty of the atonement.

He spoke of how the Savior "touched" others. He said very clearly that "What He touches lives". He invited us to "Let him in and He will heal you, heal your homes, heal your hearts, heal your marriages, heal your family relationships." He reminded us of how the Lord touched others. The scriptures are full of accounts of his "healing touch"; of how others were healed by mearly touching his garment.

Then he spoke of hands. How the Lord extended his hand and invited the lame to walk, to rise up. How he blessed by the laying on of hands. How those hands held healing authority. He talked of how we "leave it in the Lord's hands".

He invited us to have "clean hands"; to be ready and worthy to bless others through our hands. How we can literally act as His hands to bless others. How we should use our hands to bless our children, to love and comfort them.

I wept. The spirit was so calming, so reassuring. Whatever my future holds with this all consuming issue of my sexual orientation; I am confident that I will be dealing with a kind and understanding man. I have a deep and sincere conviction of his calling and authority. I know he is who God has chosen to lead me. I trust him. I love him. I know that he understands.

I feel blessed.

The Best Books

I spent many years being secluded, detached and pretty much a loner. I immersed myself in the media; magazines, television, videos, movies and the Internet; but hardly a single book. Several years passed without reading a single book during the year. Oh, I read a lot of magazine articles and stories; some out of those shady magazines you don’t find at the local grocery store. I had a huge collection of Men’s Health, Exercise for Men, Men’s Fitness…you know why I had those.

About three and half years ago, reading one particular book changed my life. President Gordon B. Hinckley challenged the members to read the Book of Mormon in about three months time. I had read the B of M many times previously, but I thought it a real challenge to read it in such a short time. He promised that it would bring a change into our lives, cleanse the vessel and bring new harmony and unity into our homes. So, my wife and I took the challenge that would change my life for good and forever. About half way through the process, one Tuesday morning, my wife was at the computer and came across a link to gay porn. She questioned me and the lid blew off my secrecy and addiction to gay porn. The rest is more than three years of purging, change and cleansing of me personally and of our relationship. A prophesy literally fulfilled upon the head of a heathen like me.

Since then I have read so many books it is unbelievable. I was previously borderline illiterate. A college graduate, but functionally illiterate.

I thought it would we fun to share with you where my journey has led and to share the 47 books I have read over the last three years and have found helpful and enlightening. I’ll present them below by category. I’ve printed in “BOLD” lettering the books that have most influenced me or changed me.

Addiction Recovery:
The White Book - Sexaholics Anonymous
The Big Book - Alcoholics Anonymous
Out of The Shadows - Patrick Carnes
A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps - Patrick Carnes
LDSFS Addiction Recovery Program
Principles for Achieving Personal Balance - James B. Lewis
Confronting Pornography - Chamberlain / Gray / Reid

Self Help:
Codependent No More - Beattie
South Beach Diet - Agatston
Feeling Good - Burns
What to Say When You Talk to Yourself - Helmstetter
Facing Shame - Fossom / Mason
Putting on the Armor of God - Cramer
Crucial Conversations - Patterson / Grenny / McMillan / Switzler
Crucial Confrontations - Patterson / Grenny / McMillan / Switzler
The Friendship Factor - McGinnis
Facing the Fire - Lee

Spiritual and Religious Focus:
The Book of Mormon
The Epistles of Paul
The Four Gospels
Believing Christ - Robinson
The Infinite Atonement - Callister
If Life Were Easy It Wouldn’t Be Hard - Dew
Mormon Doctrine - McConkie
Miracle of Forgiveness - Kimball
Jesus The Very Thought of Thee - Millet / Newell
When Ye Shall Receive These Things - Millet / Newell
Embraced by the Light - Eadie
Tuesdays with Morrie - Albom
The Last Lecture - Pausch

Marriage and Relationship:
Covenant Hearts - Hafen
Just Hold Me - Staheli
His Needs, Her Needs - Harley
And They Were Not Ashamed - Brotherson

Homosexuality:
No More Goodbyes - Pearson
Homosexuality A Christian Ethic - Moberly
Resolving Homosexual Problems - Park
Understanding Male Homosexual Problems - Park
You Don’t Have to be Gay - Konrad

Men’s Movement (Jungian Psychology) and Masculinity:
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover - Moore / Gillette
Growth Into Manhood - Medinger
The Lover Within - Moore / Gillette
The Warrior Within - Moore / Gillette
The King Within - Moore / Gillette
Wild at Heart - Eldredge
He - Johnson
She - Johnson

If you have comment on one of these books or if you have your own favorite book that has helped you along your own journey; I would love to hear your thoughts and recommendations. These are the books I was led to that made all the difference for me and created the miracle of healing in me over the last three years.

I just started reading Twilight by Meyers. My goal this year is to lighten up and read some fun books for a change. It’s all been very serious and clinical these past few years.

Now, there are three books that most profoundly changed me in this process. They are , Feeling Good by Burns; Wild at Heart by Eldredge and No More Goodbyes by Pearson.

Feeling Good helped me to realize that for many years I had been my own worst enemy. I had been speaking negatively to myself, putting myself down, condemning myself, expecting the worst and carrying enormous guilt and shame. This amazing book has helped me completely change my inner language and to recognize the cognitive distortions (messed up thinking) that have derailed me and kept me from loving myself. So much of what we do and expect are based in our own thoughts. It is so liberating to finally love yourself!

Wild at Heart speaks to me about what it is to be a man and of my relationship with God. It taught me that it is alright to pursue adventure in my life, not only okay, but a deep need. The book has taught me to turn to God the Father to meet my needs. It has helped me to see that only He can fill my woundedness, not my wife, not another man. It is a book that I will never be done reading and applying to my life. Eldredge teaches that, “Healing never happens outside of intimacy with Christ…until you have given yourself to him you will not have a real self.”

No More Goodbyes broke my heart and gave me a good cry. I’ve been emotionally locked and unable to cry for months now. I’m not sure why. I guess it is out of self preservation. There has been a great deal of grieving in my marriage and in my own heart over these past three and a half years. You get to where you are just cried out I guess. In another way, I came to where I was finally at peace inside with it all. There was no more need to apologize, hang my head in shame, regret or grieve anymore. I have come to a point of reconciliation and of acceptance of all of this. Carol Lynn Pearson is a hero of mine. She has such tender understanding and compassion for homosexual issues and most of all for the homosexual himself. She truly understands where I live. This book is so full of love that I just had to weep as I read story after story of people’s charity, forgiveness and unfortunately also their cruelty to each other. So much of my own life rang true in the stories that are shared that I couldn't help but relive many of my own tender emotions. I think her books have done more to promote understanding of Gay issues than any others in our Moho culture. She opens the door to God’s mercy, grace and understanding of these issues instead of showering us with condemnation and shame like most other texts on the subject. I am deeply grateful to this kind woman. I hope to meet her someday and give her a hug for her blessings upon the gay men in the church. We owe her a huge debt of gratitude.

I could go on about the other books, but these are the most influential in my journey. I really hope some of you will share your thoughts and make suggestions of other books that may have been healing and inspiring to you. My journey continues to be laden with pain from time to time, but thankfully there are joyful days now too.

...Whom say ye that I am?...

And he saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am? And Peter answereth and saith unto him, Thou art the Christ. (Mark 8:29)

I have always loved the images of Christ that are lovingly created by Artist Del Parson. They are, for me, the most expressive of my personal concept of the Son of God. The four images above, if I am correct in my assumption, evolved over time from left to right. The image at far left, The Lord Jesus Christ, represents a more serious and traditional image, one commissioned by the LDS Church. It was the first image of Christ that my wife and I purchased for our home, shortly after our marriage in the 80’s. I have loved it for years. The second image from left, The Gentle Christ, was commissioned by Elder Haight, seeking a more gentle image of the Savior. The third from left, The Savior, depicts kindness, purity, and love. Moving to the right the images get more “gentle” if you will and eventually arriving at far right is the smiling image of Christ’s Love, a Jesus who is pleased with the viewer. The image at far right is based upon the image of a smiling father watching one of his children as they performed in the Primary program at church. The links here provide background and the artist’s own words about his paintings.

When I was a child the images we had of the savior were more mysterious and stoic in their depictions. My life was much like that and the community in which I was raised was very judgmental, critical and competitive. There were many comparisons with other families and individuals and we measured ourselves by how well we fared in comparison with our peers.

In the 60’s my sister was singled out in a sacrament meeting as being the only girl in her age group who had not qualified for her personal progress award (or whatever it was called at the time). She was fiercely independent; a talented artist and quite masculine in her interests. She was a taller girl, strong, athletic and competitive. She didn’t fit the mold and didn’t like typically feminine things. As her young women’s leader lamented her lack of progress from the pulpit, she filled with anger and resentment and soon withdrew completely from the church. Today she lives in a committed relationship, as a lesbian, completely estranged from both our family and the church.

I grew up feeling very much like I needed to be perfect in order to be acceptable to Christ. I felt condemned and rejected by Him when I sinned or failed to do enough good. I was shamed by my mother when I failed to meet her expectations. She punished me with the cold shoulder, shaming, withdrawal and silence. Any confession of error or misdeed would be greeted with shameful remarks, disgust or denial. Only the image of the “golden boy” was acceptable and anything less was unacceptable. I learned to hide my faults and to perform my explorations in secret. The best of accomplishments were not often acknowledged, but I was often praised for virtues I didn’t really possess.

In my family we kept many secrets. We couldn’t risk disappointing, worrying or hurting anyone with bad news. When my grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer; my grandfather and the doctor conspired and didn’t tell her the truth (it was ovarian cancer) until she was years into her treatment.

I only learned this year that my great uncle who had mysteriously disappeared in the early 1900’s, never to return, was in fact imprisoned by the state for having run a whore house on the banks of the local river, then left the state by personal choice. When the neighbors fell into immorality we spoke harshly of their character and avoided them on the chance we might be tainted. I wasn’t allowed to play little league ball with their sons and had to painfully find new friends as I began adolescence.

We didn’t speak openly of moral sins or repentance. The were viewed as grave errors, next to murder and certainly permanent and insurmountable in their influence and effect. If they touched our own kin they were never spoken of openly and would certainly be denied if one of us dared to enquire. I wonder to this day what skeletons were in the closet of our seemingly upright and respectable, Mormon family. To this day I have fear of acknowledging any of my sins, weakness or struggle to my family members. To disclose such unpleasant news would certainly be unwelcome. I have been praised for years for being the “golden son”; the one who didn’t take after his father or brother. The one who was “special”, apart from the others. It is a roll that I didn’t ever choose of my own will.

So, I am in the closet. My family doesn’t know of my same sex attractions. The best I have been able to do, to this point, is to reveal to my siblings my battle to overcome addiction to porn or my struggle with lust and compulsive masturbation. I did that to comfort and help three siblings who struggle with addictions to alcohol and prescription meds. I did that to show my children that I could struggle and overcome a weakness. It was my first attempt to get out from under the image of the “righteous son” (and father); to say, “I too struggle, you are not alone”. To this day, my mother doesn’t know and still praises my supposed virtue.

I am a member in good standing. I am faithful to my wife and family. I have chosen not to act out sexually with other men. Thankfully, I left the community of my birth, found my new life and have experienced the joy of real connections and honesty in my relationships with other men and with my wife.

I now feel that my next step is to leave the roll of the “perfect son”, and to assume the role of the common man. The man who struggles with temptation, relies upon the grace of Christ, knows the mercy of the atonement, embraces his own humanity and weakness and walks with other sinners. It’s time I shed the image and weight of the “special son”. I will be coming further “out”.

About three years ago, I began a personal battle against addiction, lust and compulsive behaviors. I got honest with the wife whom I had emotionally abandoned. I confessed my sins to a supportive Bishop and I availed myself of the fellowship of support groups.

A wonderful sister missionary, a facilitator with her kind husband, taught a lesson to a very small group of three husbands and their wives in a North Ogden, Utah LDS Seminary building. As her visual aid she used Del Parson’s representation of Christ’s Love. She told me that Christ was pleased with me, that He loved me unconditionally, that He didn’t condemn me, but only the sin. That image of a loving Christ changed my life and comforted my wife who attended with me that night. Since that night I have known and come to know more fully that He does indeed love me like that, unconditionally and completely. He is my supporter, not my condemner. I now obey because I love Him, not because I fear Him. My heart has changed forever.

The book “Believing Christ” by Stephen E. Robinson helped me to know that I could never earn my salvation. That my works could not prove my worthiness. That indeed:

“Often the reason some people can’t fully accept the blessings of the gospel is because the weight of the demand for perfection has driven them to despair. They mistakenly feel that in order for the Atonement to work in their lives, they must first become perfect through their own efforts. But, anyone who could meet this requirement would not need the Atonement at all, for such a person would already be reconciled to God, having achieved the celestial standard of perfection on his or her own without needing Christ and his atonement - and this is not possible…the good news is not that perfect people can be reconciled to God, but that imperfect people can be….by entering into a completely new covenant in which His efforts are added to our own and make up for our deficiencies…as a result, in Christ I am clean and worthy today…God is already predisposed positively toward me. Grace in this sense is not something that I can trigger, manipulate, earn, deserve, or control, for it is a preexisting aspect of God’s attitude toward me. Before I could even respond to Him, he already loved me…”

Greg Olsen's painting "Lost and Found" at right, also represents my relationship with the Savior. I now feel that He is my mentor, a truly loving companion and instructor. An elder brother to whom I can entrust my most private thoughts and fears.

This is good news. It’s a message that I want to give to others. It’s a new calling that I feel has led me to focus on the gospel message in it’s purity and not on the cultural counterfeit that finds it’s way into so many of our meeting houses. It has helped me to feel in my center that I am loved, acceptable and enough; even in my weakness; and so are you.

Closed For The Season

I’m afraid I’ve reached a point where I don’t have a lot to say. I have reached the end of this shaft in the “Silver Mine”. I have written a lot in this blog. I’m mostly pleased with what is here. It tells my story. I hope it helps others in some way. If not, no worry, because it has helped me immensely.

I am so grateful for the comments of others who have patiently endured my ramblings and kindly responded. I have loved having feedback and some wonderful advice.

It’s time to open a new shaft in this “Silver Mine”. It’s time to work a new vein and find new ore to refine. I am at the end of a run. I’ve kind of tapped out. I’m not sure where to do my work next. I think I need to mine in a new direction. There are other resources to be claimed.

As I write this post this morning I am listening to the semi-annual general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. It’s a casual, relaxed Saturday morning and I am enjoying listening to our Prophet Thomas S. Monson and the receiving counsel from other leaders of the church. I feel at peace. I’m content with who I am and where I am in my life and in my journey of self improvement. I’m grateful this morning for all that is available to me and the many blessings I have in my life.

I’ve been on a three year journey of truthful and painful acknowledgment; self discovery, spiritual renovation, repentance, renewal in my marriage, growth into manhood and in overcoming compulsive behaviors that were wrong for me. I can truly say this morning that I am happier than I have been for many, many years. It isn’t a perfect picture. I have much to improve and to learn, but I am content with where I am and with the pace at which I am progressing. I have accepted where I am and I trust God to take care of me and my family. I feel like my life is being directed and blessed by Him. This is a precious blessing that I have not always enjoyed.

That having been established; my emotions are a little confusing. I have written before that I am a bit frustrated with the fact that I can’t seem to cry as I once did. I have always been deeply emotional. I have been easily moved to tears. I have grieved with my wife. I have wept long and deep over the pain in my marriage which imploded about three years ago. We have pulled it up out of the dust. The tears are gone. We are still very much in love and things are perhaps better between us, more authentic and honest than ever before. I love her deeply and I am so glad to be with her.

I have many close friends that I treasure. These new friends have come to me over the journey of the last three years. I love and care for my children and other family members as well. I am connected and involved in their lives in very intimate ways. My point is; I care deeply and I do feel; but to my surprise, my outward emotions have become very static, locked. I still cry on occasion, but there is a new stability and predictability to my expressions. Are my expressions more masculine? Have I become more of a patriarch, a ruler, a king, a rock of stability in my family? My reactions are now less emotional and more rational than before. Is this good? Am I just cried out?

Now, I know my weakness. I am not arrogant or self reliant. I know that I need my Heavenly Father very deeply. I am dependent upon Him for my sustenance and upon others for love and reassurance. I thrive on this new companionship and support. I am no longer isolated. I am loved and sustained by loving connections and bonds with others. It is a much better way to live. I am newly aware of my ignorance and my needs. I have so much to learn and to implement in my life. I am on the path of integration. I am working hard to integrate what I have learned into my life and character.

For now, I’m talked out. I don’t know what else to write here. I’m not politically active or motivated. Not sure I’m bright enough or current enough for that. That wasn’t my purpose for this blog. I have put a lot of energy into what I have written here. It has been a venue for processing my thoughts and reviewing my journey. For now, I’m clear and content. It’s been a great time. For now, I’m shutting down for the season.

In about a week I’ll be in the mountains at an experiential retreat with a great group of men. Many are dear friends. I will meet others who will undoubtedly become great friends. From past experience, I know this will be a meaningful experience and will take a lot of energy to process and “integrate”. Also this week; I will join a new therapy group. It is a small group with some great men that I love very sincerely. It will require a lot of time, out of the group, for reading and preparation. I hope that the work I do there will be very meaningful and emotional. I hope it helps me to get my emotions back and to locate where I need to “mine” next.

So, I’m closing for the season. It’s fall. The leaves are falling. It seems an appropriate time to go inside and do some emotional work for awhile. Figuratively, I’m going to curl up by the fire, rest and meditate for a time. When the time is right, I’ll be back. In the meantime, if you leave me a comment I’ll respond. If you drop by, knock on the door, I’ll still answer.

I’ve loved reading your blogs. I plan to continue, so I’ll show up on yours from time to time and comment. I don’t plan on disappearing completely. Just taking a lower profile.

I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. When the time is right I’ll be back. When the sun comes out and melts the ice, I guess.

May I Ask A Favor?

I want to ask a small favor. I am amazed at how many hits this blog gets in a week. It occurs to me that to large degree I don't know who visits here.

It is kind of like leaving the door to my house open, going to work, having the public come and go, use the facilities, eat from the refrigerator and cupboards, go on their way and never leave a note that they were here....

If you stop by this week. If you like what you see or your don't. Will you simply leave a small note and tell me that you were here? You can be anonymous. I don't need to know your name. I just want to know a bit about who comes in here when I'm gone and how they might have been affected.

Early in this process I sent the link to my blog to many of my friends and email contacts. I'm now just a little afraid at times to share my heart because I'm not sure who is dropping by. Should that worry me? I worry that some of what I write is hurtful to those who have other beliefs. I hope I don't offend others and if I do, I hope you will challenge and tell me.

Again, I don't need to know the names. I would just like to know your thoughts because I am sure that many more are reading this blog than the ones who post a response.

And thanks for reading this too.