Diversity

I’ve given a lot of thought lately to the concept of “Diversity”. In the process of my thoughts I found that I needed a new word in my vocabulary to describe it’s opposite.

Thanks to Merriam-Webster I found the following definition. I intuitively knew the word and it’s meaning, just couldn’t spell it correctly. Maybe I just liked it and related to it because of the “homo” part :)

ho·mo·ge·neous
Function: adjective
Etymology: Medieval Latin homogeneus, homogenus, from Greek homogenēs,
from hom- + genos kind — more at Kin
Date: 1641
1 : of the same or a similar kind or nature
2 : of uniform structure or composition throughout
ho·mo·ge·neous·ly adverb
ho·mo·ge·neous·ness noun


It has occurs to me that I grew up in a very homogeneous society and family, not all bad I suppose. We all like to be around people who are like us or have a common bond of some sort, don’t we? There is a sort of comfort in familiarity and sameness. I helps to maintain order. Yet, sometimes it can be carried to extremes. When we step outside of the lines, our “familiars” often exert pressure to keep us within their comfort zones. They get uncomfortable when one of “theirs” starts to stray too far or walk outside the boundaries.

I first felt the weight of “homoplastic” (impressed?) society when I went on my first mission. Yes, I went on two missions. I entered the MTC in Provo, Utah. Like many of you did and found myself immediately immersed in a totalitarian society. I was immediately told what to wear, eat, think, say and do and when to do it all. I had never felt so controlled in my life and my mind rebelled. I have and had always prided myself on my individuality. I wanted nothing less than to be just like everyone else. I had an inner sense that I was different, “special” if you will. The audacity! I dared to be different. I was worried about losing my own thoughts and I was convinced that I was being brainwashed. Was I? Is the MTC a “homogenization” of youth into a dutifully compliant group? I think it is but, I now understand that it has it’s place and value. Just because I didn’t fit in doesn’t make it flawed or misdirected in it’s purpose. My issues are just that, mine.

I see now that such a system can have a desirable outcome; I just had a very difficult time submitting my very strong and stubborn WILL. So, I opted out. There were many other complicating factors and circumstances. I wasn’t unworthy to be there. I ultimately, simply chose not to comply. I bucked the system and after six weeks of excruciatingly painful debate and deliberation with my leaders; I went home. I was emaciated, demoralized, embarrassed, bitter, angry, confused, rebellious and numb.

My “support” network at home immediately set out to repair me. I was released for “health reasons" and encouraged to get well and return, ASAP. No pressure there! My mother barely spoke to me for two months. She demanded that I return, and soon. She laid her program out in front of me and made her conditions known. I told her that I not only would not go back, I could not. Finally after two months she relented, we had a meeting of the minds and life went on in a better fashion.

In case you are curious, my Dad surprised me. He had never been particularly warm or supportive. He wasn’t all that pleased that I was “different” than other boys. However, in this moment of crisis, I am grateful to say that he rallied for me. He got my old job back for me. He encouraged me to get back into college. He supported my attending a student ward instead of the home ward. He helped me back on my feet financially and he got me back in public and wouldn’t let me hide at home.

There is a happy ending to the story. I thrived in college. I graduated with a 3.86 GPA and high honors. I got out of my small town, moved to the city. I found gainful employment and five years later, I went on another mission, and finished. I’m glad I did. I still struggled with the MTC but, I loved my mission. It’s a cherished part of my life. So much more to this story but, I need to move on…


I really don’t care for “Mormon Genre” movies. I liked “God’s Army”. I liked “Brigham City”. I even liked “Singles Ward”, perhaps since I attended a couple of those and found it to be very accurate and hilarious. Richard Dutcher had a good approach, in my opinion. Unfortunately, the subsequent string of generic Mormon movies such as “The Hometeachers”, “RM”, “Pride and Prejudice” and “Church Ball” have embarrassed me for what they reveal about us as a people. I can’t sit through one of them because I grind my teeth too much. To me, they portray all that is Mormon Homogeny. I’m sorry that the evolution of the Mormon movie cost Dutcher his testimony and his membership (if the rumors are true). I for one miss Dutcher’s kind of Mormon Cinema. I Guess he just stepped too far outside those lines and showed us things about ourselves that made us uncomfortable.


Regardless of our varied histories, cultures, races, religious backgrounds and convictions; or how our compulsions, insecurities, needs, detachments, deficits or immature masculinities may manifest themselves; I believe in my core that the vast majority of men I encounter in life are inherently great men in their hearts. I believe that most men aspire to be good, to be better, to overcome, to do good, to bless the lives of all they come in contact with and ultimately to be devoted and mature Kings, Warriors, Magicians and Lovers.

I love what my new found brotherhood with other men has done for me! There are so many great examples and such honesty in the various groups and community that I now find myself a part of. I am overwhelmed by that new connection and congruity with manhood. I've never experienced anything like it. It has been a crying need throughout my life that is finally being addressed. In order to find it I had to take a risk. I had to step outside of the lines and reach out to others who deal with same sex attractions and addictions. Actually, the pain had to become so great that I went looking for solutions. I can’t take credit for nobly setting out on a quest. I was bashed on the rocks and had to get up and find remediation through the atonement. I was led to other men who feel my pain and have the empathy and understanding to help me up on my feet.

I have a wife and children. The kids are all still in school and there are a lot of demands placed on me right now just to maintain our livelihood and provide for the needs of the family. I want to be so much more immersed in support groups, spirituality, therapy and men’s programs than I am but, my circumstances require that I pace myself. What I am finding though is that I love being a MAN. I love being a husband and father. I love being the King of my domain and providing security, nurturing and fertility for my family. I love being the Warrior that defends my family against evil and goes to work each day to slay and drag back the beast that will keep us alive. At the end of the week I love being the Lover that nurtures and loves those very important souls that I call my family. I love being that strength that they rely upon to bring stability to the home. Now - I often fail, I don't succeed every day but, ultimately on the whole I'm getting it done, with the help of a God who loves me and who gives me everything I have.

I’m no longer comfortable with the concept of “Reparative Therapy”. The need to repair something implies that it is broken in the first place. If anything in me needs repaired it is simply my addictions. I am an addict. I spent years engaged in compulsive self abuse, pornography and overeating. Those are behaviors, symptoms and weaknesses that need to be managed, overcome and surpassed. They are also simply manifestations of much more important and significant issues. I have things to overcome, but at my core I am well and inherently, undeniably good.

In my experience: Sobriety and freedom from compulsive behavior gives me new energy, vitality and confidence to face my demons and make real progress. Rather than envying another man, lusting after him, wanting to take what he has, be what he is, be him; sobriety helps me really work the issues in authenticity, and to truly become what I can be. Rather than just simply wanting to be; I can do and become.

I also happen to be attracted to my own sex. I struggle with self confidence. I am a homosexual. I yearn for approval and to be loved, validated and affirmed by other men. I have spent a great deal of my life living in shame and being controlled and manipulated by others concept of what I “should” have been.

I am a MAN. I love myself. I welcome being attracted to my own sex. I’m happy to be sensitive, caring, compassionate - a different sort of man. I’m grateful and pleased with what my life has been. I don’t apologize for my searching, my yearnings, my same sex needs. I don’t apologize for my love of music, art, theater, opera, photography, architecture, literature, travel, cooking, fashion and culture. I am a happily content metrosexual.

I submit that there is room for diversity among men. What if we all drove lifted Dodge Ram 4X4’s with all terrain tires, chewed Skoal, wore wranglers and cowboy boots; and spent our weekends in the mountains killing things? Who would be running American Idol and cranking out all those new hits? Who would be producing Wicked on Broadway? Who would design the new fall line for Perry Ellis? Who would serve meals at those swanky downtown restaurants? Who would grace the pages of fashion and fitness magazines?

I’m glad there are guys who dead lift 500 pounds, smoke camels and build bridges for a living. I’m glad there are tough son’s of bitches on fishing boats and oil derricks and in coal mines all over America. I’m eternally grateful for the soldiers (men and women) that are defending our honor and freedom in Iraq and I’m totally and completely okay with the fact that I will probably always be attracted to men. I don’t need repaired. I need to be understood and accepted for who I am and all that is good in me. I need tolerance, brotherhood, companionship, freedom, religion, opportunity, a place to belong and love.